May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not Trump Tower Damascus open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the job, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have convert-down support."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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